Sensitivity

Last night I gave my brother a lecture. Not a scolding, but a lecture, the sort of thing our teachers do. It just came impromptu.

In my family, I observe many things. They may not know it, but I spend a lot of the time observing the happy moments, the conflicts, gestures, tone, language, etc. Sometimes things slip my mind, but when something crops up, as they often do time and time again, I always try and observe.

From this, I've learnt something of human relations. Relationships are a finely balanced set of equations. They can be upset very easily by the slightest variation. Great care and sensitivity are often required when dealing with humans. Some are more sensitive than others. Some are more numb, or maybe they've just grown used to life. Some can put up a great show of strength when it's so obvious how fragile they are. Whatever it is, people are sensitive beings, and the heart is beats so, so tenderly. No one can hurt you more than the ones you love.

Those are some of the results of my observations of the people around me in general. Many times I've wanted to speak out, share my deeper thoughts, but it can be so difficult to tell those you love. Or maybe it's just me.

Me. A few days ago I began to wonder if I was not slightly neurotic. I don't know when this developed exactly, but I have some inkling of how it developed. A gradual process. Now I find it hard to relax, even in peaceful moments. And so many times, it takes so little to affect me. I don't know why because I don't recall ever being this... sensitive shall we say...when I was younger. Your slightest gesture, or tone, affects me. I read volumes into simple conversations, even online or sms. And sometimes, if I don't catch myself, I try reading into the most nonsensical things. I think it may be a bad habit developing. Sensitivity is fine, but when it becomes neurosis, it can take a toll on you.

I told my brother this, "Whenever you want to say something, or do something, always stop and think of how you would feel if the other person did what you are going to do to you." It's really commonsensical isn't it? Cliched even. Everyone knows that, we just forget it. More often than not, we need to be reminded more than instructed.

Setting an example can be so hard. In his best, or better moments, my brother can be so loveable. In his worst, or worser moments, which come very very often, I wish I had another brother. But I have to learn, I guess, to accept him, warts and all. And who am I to judge, when so many times I've failed in my duty as a brother, much less the older one? Setting an example can be so hard.

My opinion of Nelson improved after our training session at NUS today. And I quite like the look of policy debating. It sounds fun, but it looks like a lot of hard work too. Sigh, more research to be done.

When I was younger if I thought something was cute I said so. Today as I came home I thought to myself: Now if I think something is cute I find myself wondering, why exactly do I find it cute?